Crossfit, How Do I Love Thee? Let me count the ways…
Last week I wrote what is below on my Facebook wall.
My heart is heavy. My world is about to be rocked to it’s core. Can’t focus. Sad Panda.
As you might imagine that blurb got a huge response filled with prayers, hugs and later in real life comments like, “I thought someone died or had cancer.” No one has cancer that I know of and no one died literally speaking. Shortly my trainer of many years came out with his announcement.
Even though he is not dead why do I feel like I am mourning? Why is there this great sense of loss and sadness? He was more than a trainer, he was our friend. He was a great trainer, coach and just a wealth of information. He kept it all in his head. If you had an injury he would just file it in his brain, give you alternatives and when you were well again, he would remember that injury and give you words of caution. He has always studied fitness and kept up to date on everything he could get his eyes on.
I spent nearly two years straight seeing him four – five days a week. I progressed more with him than anyone I have trained with to date. Could it have just been the Crossfit method of doing things? Not entirely, because I started making progress in his boot camp class. He made me want to do better. Just a different style of coaching that isn’t for everyone but I responded to it. He coached me through some really tough wods. After he announced this there was a lot of reaction and in my defense (so I don’t sound crazy) I took some of my favorites to share with you.
There are many more but I think those three pretty much sum up the way I feel. This change has brought me back seven unwanted pounds, drowning my sorrows in popcorn, chips, pizza, chocolate to name a few. I have gotten a handle on it since but it was a pretty quick downward spiral. OK so what is the big deal? I’ve gotten a lot of questions from people so let’s just dig in shall we?
Are you going to leave the Crossfit gym? No. I have no other Crossfit place to go to. The hours that Unity provides fits my “Mommy schedule.” I have looked before and it just doesn’t work. I’m on duty before 8am and after 4pm which is what the closest Crossfit gym offers.
Are you going to quit Crossfit? I’m on the fence. I’m scared to lift without him there. Crossfit can be dangerous especially if you lift too heavy and you get fatigued. Your form will suffer and you can get hurt, been there done that. More importantly my heart isn’t into it right now. I have gone all week since he has been gone. It’s a lot of change at once for me and I’m trying to adapt really I am. I’m accustomed to going every day but there is something different in the programming. For me it’s too much on my back and I have to be very aware of my limits. It’s up to me to remember, to track, to rely on myself. I will admit I have gotten pretty damn lazy in this area. I have it on DailyMile.com and I have pictures of the wods. I know how to do it but just haven’t done it because there are specific things I’m working on. If they aren’t on my list then I don’t really care to remember. I’m trapped in a 40 year old body. Yes, I’m stronger, faster and agile but I also have a herniated disk and I’m not sure that just disappears. My form has to be spot on or I suffer.
He told me that I would be fine. He told me that I had developed a family there with all the members. It’s true but my heart isn’t in it. Right now I could care less about my time, how heavy I’m lifting or what my goals were. My children are use to greeting him when they come. This was one of those weeks when I had to bring one of them. It made me feel worse because little people don’t understand. Hell, I don’t understand. As members we weren’t given a reason as to why this happened. I like my routines and this has messed me all up. I actually stopped blogging after his announcement. It’s taken me nearly a week to write about this and it still feels very fresh.
My life has been tied up a great deal with Crossfit for the last two years. My pin boards, my facebook groups, a lot of my challenges and posts. If I don’t do Crossfit then what? I don’t know. My heart isn’t in it right now. I’m going through the motions but everything feels different. I don’t feel empowered like I did before.
Before I came to Crossfit I was at the Y and Shaun ran those classes and I saw him three times a week for months and then he left and there was another trainer and that trainer was replaced again. This time our trainer was there for a year with our group that met three times a week. We developed friendships outside of the classes. After we lost this trainer the entire group separated. We all scrambled to find other places to work out and regroup. I always felt ok because I still saw Shaun at Crossfit during this time. I was mixing it up! I found my new home that way but now my trainer there is gone too. Now….I’m lost, again.
A few athletes told me they don’t work out with other people. They don’t have time. They aren’t affected at all. Complete self reliance. I’m not one of those people. I do great in group settings unless it’s running. God I wish I could run right now. I thought of another personal trainer but our schedules may not mesh. I could go back to the Y but that is really HARD once you have been doing Crossfit for so long. And here I am in limbo, frustrated.
What next? Why not just go where ever he is going? Someone asked me that too. That place doesn’t exist. Maybe I just need some time. So is it possible I have abandonment issues or something? Why am I so freaked out? No, I don’t think that is the right word. Separation anxiety? Maybe. For two weeks before this announcement I kept having these weird dreams and was really nervous about him leaving. I was picking up on some emotions from other people. I’m really intuitive and it kind of creeps me out at times.
I found this on NewMax.com – Persistent worry about primary caregiver. The worrying could be about losing them or about them being harmed. The person keeps constantly worrying that some unexpected event will cause separation from the attachment figure. This worry significantly affects their social and occupational performance in life.
It’s a close description. He’s trained me well and I will make it without him. None of this is logical, it’s all emotional. That seems to be the hardest to control.
If he could wave his magic wand and make everything that he wanted to happen then I still wouldn’t be training with him. The distance would be to great.
So what now? I don’t know. Just keep moving forward I guess?
I’m approved as a Fitfluential Ambassador but I no longer feel equipped to influence any part of fitness. I don’t know what I’m doing right now. Feeling like this makes me NOT want to have a trainer. They might be easy for gyms to replace but not for clients. I’m not eager to go through something like this again. I tried to research this and I couldn’t find anything that really fits this situation. I found getting to close to your trainer which involves sex but that’s not it. Then I found articles about being a poor trainer but that’s not it either.
I was a good client and he was a good trainer. On Back to Form Fitness.com there is an article about Trainer-Client Relationships and this is part of the bottom line –
“When you find someone that you trust and is a good fit, do what ever you can to keep them. Even if you cannot afford to keep training on a consistent basis, schedule a session or two every couple of weeks. Never sever that relationship.”
They don’t tell you what to do when that relationship is severed for you. What say you? Anyone get what I’m going through? Have you dealt with this?